| this entry is completely for me |
[12 Feb 2008|03:00pm] |
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i never thought i would find myself EVER writing in this again-- but i have SOO much to say.. so many thoughts going through my mind.. yet i feel like talking to no one. im not answering my phone, going online, or anything.. the only person that is at all comforting to me as usual is kyle.
i am seriously in love with him- all i want is for us to be back together- i would do anything to have him back in my life.. he is the greatest guy in the world.. i want him to be the one to marry me in five years ((he would be a great husband)) i want him to be the father of my kids ((he would be a great dad)) i just want him to be in my entire future-- getting old scares the shit out of me.. feeling sick, depressed, waiting to die.. thats horrible.. yet when im older i see him in the chair next to me while were 70 and me beyond happy-- he is so comforting and makes me feel so secure.. i need that..
its tuesday-- and i have been having huge anxiety and i am beyond depressed and cannot wait for friday.. friday i am going home and kyle and i are spending our day for valentines day ((since we wont see each other thursday)) and we are going to probably go out to dinner and a love movie because that would be amazing to me so of course he does what makes me happy-- but then we are going to have our talk.. he is going to tell me whether or not we are getting back together... and if he does we are going through all of our problems ((which arent very many)) and going to work them all out so it doesnt happen again.. and then he is getting an apartment in april which i would pretty much live in yet have a stable place to go ((my dads)) if it didnt work.. and i would be the absolutely most happiest girl in this entire world.. i would die to have him back in my life..
.. but i dont ever see that happening.. i just dont think he is as happy as he used to be.. he always says he is young and wants to experience other girls and it hurts me soo much.. as much as it seems we are together since everything is like we are together he still tells people we definitely arent.. and it is just way to much of a reality check for me to handle--- i want him back.
i cant stop crying. all ive been doing is sleeping for the last two days straight ((i slept 16 hours yesturday)) because when i am awake i am miserable...
the reason i decided to write this.. is because i need to learn a huge lesson.. i pray to god that this works out because i want it that bad ((although i dont think it will, we will see friday)).. but if it does i need to NEVER TAKE THE BEST THINGS IN MY LIFE FOR ADVANTAGE because if i do, i lose it.. so if kyle and i ever are back together ((and i hope we are, id do anything to be)) i need to read this to know exactly how i am feeling so that i never do that again.. so that while i have him, im the best to him.. while i have him, he is as happy as he could possibly be.. id do anything for him.. id do anything to have him..
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[01 Nov 2005|08:42pm] |
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BIRTHDAY MONTH
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[13 Oct 2005|09:20pm] |
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so i know i havent updated lately.. i guess i have just been tied up with everything like school :(
things have been pretty good lately.. no complaints.. parents are still a little looney i suppose and my mommy lives with us again so things are kind of crazy and i guess that is kind of holding me down a little but in general i am wonderful considering i have the most perfect boyfriend ever-- hes amazing-- i love him so much.
homecoming was an absolute blast. i seriously could not have wanted to go with anyone else. he makes me feel like no one else ever has. even though sometimes he is kind of crazy. he is just so friggin adorable and he treats me so good.. i love it, i love him.
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[30 Sep 2005|05:51pm] |
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*Some people don't believe in love at first sight, but when i met you I knew it was right*
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[15 Sep 2005|08:01pm] |
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homework, homework, HOMEWORK!@!
....---((stressingg majorr ---]]
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[30 Aug 2005|06:47pm] |
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{{i tear my heart open//i sew myself shut//my weakness is that i care too much}}
dont really have time right now.. but i have been really good lately and i seriously have such an amazing boyfriend who would probably do just about anything for me.. and i dont know im having mixed feelings about it cause i love how he treats me.. but sometimes i feel like hes too good for me.. actually i like always feel like that-- and it sucks..
but all in all ive been good and work has been so funny these last couple days.. and i just really like it even though ill definitely enjoy my day off tomorrow :0)
today kind of sucked.. i worked which wasnt bad-- it just seemed like it went slow sort of-- and the bob let us take bunches of food home so that was pretty sweet.. but then i went and helped chels for a little and then i went home and rushed to get my homework done or at least some so kyle would hang out with me but then shit happened and he cant and yeah it sucks.. but then i was gay and was a bad girlfriend and i feel bad now.. and yeah then my brother beat me up in a joking way at first but he really hurt me and some where in my day i found out i have to get rid of my dog in order to get a car and so i cant stop crying plus im PMSing.. --- but dont worry, things really are good.
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[18 Aug 2005|12:44pm] |
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so lately i have just been laughing so much.. it has been so funnyy-- like me, kyle, nick, allan, corey, and some girl went to bora bora the other night but it was seriously packed so we ended up just leaving and decided to go to applebees lol and we get there and they start talking about this yellow nice car some kid drives around-- well thru work i know of him or whatever so im like yeah and a chink kid drives it-- and i seriously had no friggin clue that was like a racist term i thought it was just like american japanese chink, you know!? well apparently its not like that.. and so everyone is like you retard! cause there were a couple of 'em behind us and i felt terrible but i seriously had no clue and so then next tthing i know allan is like saying nigger and using a toothpick thing as a spear and then he starts like practically screaming chink eyes chink eyes and moving his eyes and i was laughing so hard.. it was so funny.. hes such a retard.. and then the chinese couple left-- haha.
so then yesturday was such a good day-- it was me and kyle's ONE MONTH-- which was really exciting but ill start from the beginning of my day.. so first i had to work from like 7-2 so me and kyle went to RAMS HORN at like 6 in the morning and i was really happy that he actually woke up and it just started my day off really good :0)-- so then he dropped me off at work and seriously jason is so funny and just working around him puts you in a good mood cause hes such a duffus.. so then to top my day off i get put on the grill team with andrew even tho we got in a fight and made up.. like four times lol.. it was still so funnyy god i was like cracking up as i managed to break the bun machine.. twice-- oopsyy --
so then my mom picks me up and she wants to go to mammoth video store and i was like why dont we get a new account so we dont have to drive this far to get a friggin movie so then shes like if you know how to get there then fine so i was like okay.. psh i do-- ::definitely didnt:: -- so i turned the wrong way on M59 but then after like 13 minutes i turned that bad boy around and totally redeemed myself.. haha.. and so then we got there and seriously ive never laughed so hard in my entire life.. okay i have.. but omg i was dying it was so funny-- we get in there and my mom fills out a form or whatever to start a new account so the guy takes it and goes behind the computer and he was seriously starring at the screen for like 10 minutes just looking not touching the keyboard or anything and finally my mom is like do you know what the fuck your doing!? and he turns like red and is like no, no idea.. and i just start cracking up cause like what the hell thats funny.. and so he makes a two second phone call and two minutes later some lady comes and hits one button and is like okay fill this survery in on the computer and thats all.. and so he starts doing that i suppose and our cards start to print or whatever and something was in the way so i could only see the last name and i was like you spelt our last name wrong its not larson its larsen and hes like oh sorry it really doesnt matter so yeah and my moms like yeah a bunch of people do that but thanks for asking if that was right.. and hes like sorry.. and i just was laughing cause i mean this was funny shit.. so we move over to the next computer to check out our movies and he scans them and then gives us our cards and my moms like who is debay? and hes like uhh.. you-- and i just seriously like almost died.. i just start laughing hysterically and my moms like its debi..and hes like oh-- it was so funny and my mom was seriously so pissed.. so then it doesnt just end there.. then my mom is supposed to get back $8.03 and he hands her back three cents and shes like uhh i gave you a twenty.. hes like oh sorry-- well if i just scan your movies again the droor will open.. and so he does and then he looks really confused and just stands there again.. and so then he walks over to like the fridge and is like i know just the trick and points to the fridge and im like still laughing.. like how embarrassing.. so he scans the pop and brings out his wallet and pays for it and then gives us our change.. and then as we are leaving he didnt even tell us when they were due so basically we have no clue.. what an unsuccessful trip to blockbuster.. but so funny--
so then i went home and got ready and kyle and me went to dinner at the white lake inn.. and it was definitely a table of three due to a cute little fly that wouldnt leave us alone.. oh well.. and then we went and saw FOUR BROTHERS and we get there and it was just us a first and then a black couple walk in and the guy is like okay funs over or something like that.. like insinuating that we were doing something.. like how rude!.. and so then more people come and then youll never guess who walks in!?-- meggan, chelsea, liz and the boys.. and it was just amazing.. the movie was so sad, good, but seriously so sad -- i cried-- and i dont cry to movies.. okay i do.. but still it was so sad.. but what a good movie..
and then me and kyle went back to his dads for a little then i went home to my dads.. and i just woke up-- i have some unfinished business to take care of.. so yeah about that..
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[15 Aug 2005|11:37am] |
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so life hasnt been horrible but it hasnt been the greatest either---
to make a long story short things between my daddy and me got a little out of hand and i ended up staying with my mom for a while and things were alright.. i mean it wasnt "home" but i accepted it.. and now that im finally settled there things between me and daddy are fine and i want to be back here.. and i mean im happy things are fine between us i just hate what he makes us go thru to get there..
anyways i pretty much have just been working, seeing kyle and a few other people,going SHOPPING.. almost getting pulled over.. you know, the usual hehe.
anyways im off to go tanning and then to the grocery store to get bananas lol i know im sweet-- :0)
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[04 Aug 2005|09:07pm] |
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so before work i went school shopping for notebooks and all those goodies just to spend money really cause i had a rough night.. i just couldnt sleep i had too much on my mind.. and normally i get really insecure about relationships around this time.. but im not really worried about getting hurt by kyle or anything i decided last night.. its more that im scared that im getting too attached and i still want my own life-- and once you get attached you get hurt by dumb shit so i need to back off for the next few days.. just for myself really.. anyways i didnt fall asleep till like 5ish this morning.. i know that pretty crazy then i woke up at 9 this morning and couldnt fall back asleep.. then i went to work around 11ish and it was so ugh.. i went in and was next to lorna and omg i just wanted to punch her she was like screaming in my ear and telling me things i already knew and then she started like telling me the same thing i already knew over and over.. and i just wanted to be like lorna SHUT THE FUCK UP!! -- but i contained myself and had jason put me on break after an hour of being there if that.. and then i went to subway and the whole reason i go there is for their chocolate chip cookies that are absolutely grand.. and they were all out-- and then i went to blockbuster to see when THE PERFECT MAN is going to be out cause im dying to see it since i missed it in theaters :0( and it wasnt even in the computers therefore it isnt going to be out on video for like forever.. and so i went back to work and bob came in and was in a bad mood and was on my ass like no other-- we like messed up this guys order and then he asked for sauce and i gave it to him and bobs like what are you doing!? he has to pay.. im like bob we messed up his order im not making him pay for the sauce.. thats an 'im sorry' and bob is like he has to pay-- and i like gave the guy the right thing and was like have a nice day and let him drive away.. and bob was so mad but like wtf.. then this girl a couple cars back asked for salt and i was like bob should they pay for the friggin salt too!?-- and i was nice about it even tho i was just being a smart ass but he wouldnt stop being on my back.. and then when i had no orders i walked to the back crew room to have a sip of my drink and bob marches back there and is like get up there you have to tell me.. im like you watched me walk back here but alright sorry ((and we had no orders)) and hes like stock up your station and so i start and im like anything else?-- hes like yeah go home!.. im like why i didnt do anything.. and i knew i didnt have to go home esp. cause i seriously didnt do anything.. but hes so gay and i didnt want to be there with his shitty attitude and then my dad picked me up and we got in an enormous fight and ugh i am so mad at him-- he cant just be bi polar and flip out on me everyday and expect me to just take it over and over again.. and he called me basically every name possible.. and hes just such a dick for real-- he was like you are nothing but a fucking tramp who is going no where and your going to be just like your stupid whore of a mother.. and he went on and on.. im like yeah im going to be fucking nothing since i am the child getting all Es on my fucking report card and im not spending half of my fucking pay check on school supplies, right!?--- god all of his points are just so wrong.. and hes dumb hes a fucking child about everything and if he has a bad day or is bored he just freaks out and bitches and im sick of having to deal with it everyday cause my brothers can just drive away and stick up for themselves but i just have to sit there and deal with it.. and then hes like get the fuck out of my house, move the fuck out i dont fucking want you.. im like i fucking tried if you dont remember and you had me arrested and i had to deal with social services not you-- im done dealing with your shit and im done paying for your dumb ass decisions.. nd then things got way out of hand and dirty.. -- but bottom line is we arent on talking circumstances.. -- i know i have to deal with it cause i cant leave or he will call the police.. and i cant stick up for myself cause i end up having to pay for it.. but i really cant handle his shit anymore--
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[03 Aug 2005|04:09pm] |
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so yesturday was pretty sweet---
so i ended up waking up at like 1 which totally thru me off cause me and kyle were supposed to get together at 1 but it ended up being better cause kyle ended up having to run errands till 5ish so it gave me time to get ready.. so i took a shower and painted my nails and then the greatest friend ever, meggan, stopped by to be a sweetheart and i really really appreciated it! :) thank you! and then i finished getting ready and kyle picked me up and we went to the concert with nolan, allan, chris, eric, nick, jullian, amber, and noelle and saw three doors down, no address, breaking benjamin, and staind- it was pretty sweet... then afterwards we all met up at country boy :) then kyle came over and we watched GUESS WHO-- and awe hes great.
SECURITY: okay guys empty all of your pockets!
JANINE: hey, why are you here? ::looks at kyle:: --oh. --you better treat her good, i swear!
okay so i seriously have never met someone with such a fricken sad "sad" face.. its awful-- seriously friggin awful-- esp. when kyle can make himself like have tears.. it was seriously something i never want to see again, even if hes just kidding-- ill kill him if he brings that shit out again :0(
then today i woke up around 1 again.. hehe.. and took kris out to lunch and then he dropped me off to get my hair cut and awe seriously kyle's mom is such a sweetheart.. and i like looked at her mirror and there was a picture of kyle it was lovely and she had like the dog there and awe how cute.. and then my mom picked me up and we went and got my dorky glasses.. i look like such a geek in them, it isnt good, not good one bit.. and then we stopped by work so i could get my hours and now im home..
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